The Bitcoin launderer’s rap numbers are worse than you’d expect

If you read today’s Washington Post article about the couple charged with conspiring to launder 120,000 Bitcoin (almost $5.3 billion at today’s prices), you may have noticed an odd phrase in its second-last paragraph:

Officials said tech entrepreneur Ilya Lichtenstein, 34, and his rapper wife, Heather Morgan, 31, were charged with conspiring to launder money. They are accused of trying to launder 119,754 bitcoin that were stolen after a hacker breached the cryptocurrency exchange Bitfinex and initiated more than 2,000 unauthorized transactions. Prosecutors said the bitcoin was sent to a digital wallet controlled by Lichtenstein.

from “Feds arrest married couple, seize $3.6 billion in hacked bitcoin funds”, Washington Post, February 9, 2022.

“Rapper” is just one of the occupations that Heather Rhiannon Morgan claims. She’s also a tech entrepreneur, as well as a contributor to Forbes and Inc., both of whom I’m sure have already booked editorial meetings to discuss what to do about their articles with her byline.

But when she’s spittin’ mad rhymes, she prefers to go by her nom du guerre, Razzlekhan. She describes her rap persona on her YouTube’s channel’s About page as follows:

  • Razzlekhan is a surrealist artist & shameless rapper. Her genre is horror-comedy, with a splash of weird allure.
  • She has a rare type of synesthesia, so her senses are “crossed,” giving her “phantom tastes and smells,” and more.
  • Razz is all about authenticity, misfits, self-love, and social commentary. Her experiences living in the Middle East (Turkey & North Africa) and Asia (Japan, Korea, Hong Kong) influence her art.
  • Razz’s weird art projects (fashion design, sculpture, collage, painting, and music videos from her rap songs)
  • inspirational content to help you become your best self (which is always your REAL SELF)
  • DIY art tutorials (“Berazzling” old clothes to create your own streetwear fashion )
  • unusual fashion ideas
  • wild stories from around the world (Vietnam, Egypt, Ukraine, Turkey, Kazakhstan, etc)
  • unusual life hacks -ideas to optimize your home, life, and career
  • synesthesia-inspired recipes
  • women’s health issues and female empowerment

In short, imagine Gwyneth Paltrow in full Goop mode, but with a heavy dose of “Crypto Bro”.

You may have tried to find her videos to see what they were like, only to find that someone (probably her) has pulled them from YouTube.

Luckily for you, I found duplicates on Vimeo, and present them to you below. I’m posting them here on my tech blog (as opposed to my general blog) as a warning to techies: unless you actually have a sense of rhythm and music, the ability to rap, and some taste, please don’t do this.

The video

Versace Bedouin

This is really bad. Really, really bad. I had low expectations before watching the video, and it’s worse than I thought it would be. And now, I present it to you.

The album tracks

The other two videos posted to Vimeo are really audio files with a still photo “album cover” for the video section. At least with Versace Bedouin, you had visuals to watch. With these two tracks, all you really have is the audio, which forces you to endure the rap in its full horror, without anything to distract you.

California Rollz

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